The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
