there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
did i just pee glitter
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
