So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
