you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize