Pants 0. Shit 1.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
