We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
