I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
