What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
