Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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