I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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