On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
