Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
