I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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