i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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