i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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