New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
