Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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