i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
