Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
