God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
