I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize