hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
