i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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