you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
