its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
