I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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