Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
