someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
