I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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