I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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