did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize