i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize