she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
