When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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