my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
