You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
