every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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