so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
