dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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