You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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