Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
