you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
