Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
