she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
