I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
