i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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