it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
