I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize