Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
