Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
