Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I will pee on everything he values.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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