I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
