Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
