Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
