My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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