i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
